entry.001 :title | 09.21.24

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meditation 0.0 : "from every seed, a storm" | 12.2.23

I am going to attempt to make today, Dec. 2, the day I finally cut all drugs. That includes (in order of importance to my apparent being) THC/marijuana products, caffeine, alcohol, sugar in large amounts. Meditation has helped lately but that in itself is a process.

When my brain was flailing about earlier, I googled if there was a monastery near me so I could meditate in company and it turns out there is one 40 minutes from my house. I may go tomorrow to a guided meditation just to check it out. One thing I haven't shared is that ten years ago, I wanted to finish my undergrad degree and then move somewhere and become a monk. So, we'll see.

As I told my mom earlier, "I'm tired of wasting my talents on a dying world." And I also said to my friend, "I think I may need to go through this process [of deep meditation] to rediscover my reason to create." I have been underwhelmed for a while now and the current state of the world has just proven to me that the chaos of the world is not my responsibility to change or seek to control and, most importantly, that the future isn't certain.

It was refreshing to hear similar sentiments when I ventured into an AA meeting talienght. It was the first one I'd ever gone to and I primarily went to feel it out. But it was rewarding, if sad at times. A quote that has lingered with me is, "There is a spiritual solution to every one of my problems," and I deeply believe this is true.

So. Part of this process is getting away from social media. It's a cancer, that's all it is. Something to be eradicated by better science one day. I have tried to make social media work for me, I've tried to work with social media, I've tried to engage with other people's understanding of how social media should be used, and I find I just disagree with it all.

It and other addictive products are just not for me. As an assault survivor with a memory full of traumatic little holes, I was using drugs to further cover up the damage done by the world and certain people, but the important thing for me to understand is that I have also traumatized myself by filling my body with substances that seem to be almost too readily available for comfort.

I have created a new website and blog using NeoCities, which is an open platform web designer that, with a little sprucing up of my HTML and CSS skills (from the Xanga days [R.I.P. Queen]) has allowed me to construct the format I have desired to write within. Squarespace is a veritable pit of financial ruin for an indie artist. With changing pricing and a shifting landscape of available features, it has lost a bit of the promise for me. Hence NeoCities.

I am therefore going to keep my accounts but I will not be using them for much other than sharing blog posts. Everything else, including images I make using A.I. will be posted on my site. Not here. Not over there on whatever new social is most likely being borne into digital existence as I type this. My blog. My space. My mind.

This sort of settled on me when I received my BlueSky invite *on* Thanksgiving. I was excited when I signed up but Threads sort of proved that it's not the platform, it's the format, the overall structure. I logged in and was instantly bored. BlueSky, what a fucked up name. TouchGrass will be next I'm sure.

As a fun experiment, I'm going to post the link today so you see the first stages of the site. You'll get to see a project of mine being built from the ground up instead of just seeing promo images that I create as another type of drug of the motivational kind.

I long to create a new *way* to create and this is the start: offering myself the kind of control over my creativity that I wish to inspire in others.

It all starts with oneself.

The other day, when I meditated for the first time in a while, I conjured an insight, a phrase, that I've been working through my mind since:

"From every seed, a storm."

It aligns with the Buddhist concept of Annica, which is the ever-shifting nature of the universe, the element of inevitable change, as well as the concept of related causality in all things in nature, also known as Pratītyasamutpāda, which leads me to one of my favorite symbols in any faith system, the Yin Yang. In Taoist study, Yin is passivity, receptivity, inward reflection, whereas Yang represents action, revelation and realization. Through a creative lens, the new form of creativity I speak of takes the form of a Yin Yang, where the Yin is an idea in its purest form, while Yang is the actual physical creation of the idea. My favorite aspect of the symbol ☯️ are the circles within each teardrop, which one could see as influential seeds of each force within the other. So, "From every seed, a storm," could be seen as a worded description of the Yin side of the concept, but it is not complete without its Yang counterpart: "From every seed, a storm; from every storm, a seed." Where the storm falls, seeds will grow; where seeds grow, storms will follow. This is nature in its element, working harmalienously yet tempestuously upon itself.

My shift in focus from the 'drugs' of life to life itself is the first seed of a new start, a new story, a new storm. You've been with me through the darkest time of my entire life, and I am sure it has shown. I am thankful, appreciative, and honored to have your company in the dark, which, with every second, becomes lighter."

music release : anamnesis | 01.31.24

the loop | 11.21.23

In the beginning was the loop.
In the end was the beginning.
In the loop was a new world.
In the new world there were new beginnings.
In the beginnings there were new loops.
In the new loops there was a new ending.
In the new ending there was the beginning.
In the beginning was the loop...
...
[loading program]
...
In the beginning was the loop.
In the end was the beginning.
In the loop was a new world.
In the new world there were new beginnings.
In the beginnings there were new loops.
In the new loops there was a new ending.
In the new ending there was the beginning.
In the beginning was the loop...

the loop | 11.21.23

In the beginning was the loop.
In the end was the beginning.
In the loop was a new world.
In the new world there were new beginnings.
In the beginnings there were new loops.
In the new loops there was a new ending.
In the new ending there was the beginning.
In the beginning was the loop...
...
[loading program]
...
In the beginning was the loop.
In the end was the beginning.
In the loop was a new world.
In the new world there were new beginnings.
In the beginnings there were new loops.
In the new loops there was a new ending.
In the new ending there was the beginning.
In the beginning was the loop...

the loop | 11.21.23

In the beginning was the loop.
In the end was the beginning.
In the loop was a new world.
In the new world there were new beginnings.
In the beginnings there were new loops.
In the new loops there was a new ending.
In the new ending there was the beginning.
In the beginning was the loop...
...
[loading program]
...
In the beginning was the loop.
In the end was the beginning.
In the loop was a new world.
In the new world there were new beginnings.
In the beginnings there were new loops.
In the new loops there was a new ending.
In the new ending there was the beginning.
In the beginning was the loop...

the loop | 11.21.23

In the beginning was the loop.
In the end was the beginning.
In the loop was a new world.
In the new world there were new beginnings.
In the beginnings there were new loops.
In the new loops there was a new ending.
In the new ending there was the beginning.
In the beginning was the loop...
...
[loading program]
...
In the beginning was the loop.
In the end was the beginning.
In the loop was a new world.
In the new world there were new beginnings.
In the beginnings there were new loops.
In the new loops there was a new ending.
In the new ending there was the beginning.
In the beginning was the loop...

the loop | 11.21.23

In the beginning was the loop.
In the end was the beginning.
In the loop was a new world.
In the new world there were new beginnings.
In the beginnings there were new loops.
In the new loops there was a new ending.
In the new ending there was the beginning.
In the beginning was the loop...
...
[loading program]
...
In the beginning was the loop.
In the end was the beginning.
In the loop was a new world.
In the new world there were new beginnings.
In the beginnings there were new loops.
In the new loops there was a new ending.
In the new ending there was the beginning.
In the beginning was the loop...